It’s okay if you’re not super buff and your six pack looks more like a keg. With these simple tips you will be sure to impress that beautiful goddess you have been gazing at adoringly… without looking like a creep. Here are a few considerations for trying to woo your gym crush:
Buy some new gym threads. The first thing I would recommend is to buy some tight fitted clothing; the tighter, the better. Think Lycra bike shorts, you want her to know what religion you are when you are fully clothed. If you don’t have a budget for new threads, try cutting the sleeves off the shirts with the big yellow stains in the pits—nobody needs to see that.
She’ll want to see the gun show. Just remember, when you’re trying to impress the ladies, EVERY day is bicep day. Reserve a few minutes at the end of each workout (this is important, you want to make sure your arms are full of blood) and pump out a few sets of bicep curls. To really get her attention, try kissing your bicep on every rep, or get her to notice you with excessive grunting—either one (or a combination of both for the win) should do the trick.
Stare. If your love goddess is exercising in the co-ed area of the gym, it’s because she wants to be appreciated. Nothing will impress her more than you staring at her googly-eyed with a colossal goofy smile. If you’re a little self-conscious about staring at her directly, make sure you use the cannily-placed mirrors to your advantage.
Showboat with the weights. It’s definitely a good idea to try and show off your manliness by lifting as much as possible. The key here is to balance lifting as heavy as you can, so that every vein in your body is “popping out” but you don’t give yourself a hernia or poop your pants (not a particularly dashing look!).
Give helpful workout advice. If there is one thing I have learned about women it is this: chicks dig unsolicited advice. If the above tips are not attention-grabbing enough, you should try and give her some helpful advice on proper technique and posture. She’ll love it! Oh, and try to stare directly into her eyes the whole time.
I should probably add, that since I have been happily married now for almost 13 years, I have never actually tried these tips, but my workout partner Marv said they are guaranteed to work. So try them at your own risk… and good luck!